We were married for 18 years before we were able to talk about money positively. My husband was totally overwhelmed when it came to money and I had no idea how to help him. Over the last few years, I have read countless books and listened to thousands of podcasts on personal finance. I have learnt to be patience and show grace, and slowly, slowly, things have improved. Recently, I have re-read Catherine Morgan’s book, “It’s Not About The Money’ and discovered that Bob could have been suffering from Money Trauma. Read on as I share my experience on how you can help your spouse overcome their negative emotions and get on the same financial page.

‘The way we feel about money is a reflection on how we feel about ourselves.’

Catherine Morgan

Bob’s underlying belief was that he didn’t deserve money and therefore he didn’t need to keep hold of it. He was happy to give it away – even if that left his family without. Does your spouse do that too?

Here’s what you can do: Look at the numbers, find the positives! Tell your spouse that they are good with money! Congratulate them on the small wins! 

Over the last few years, we have become better at talking about money. Here are a few of my top tips: 

Find a common goal, something to work towards

In 2018, we decided to save for a vacation, a holiday of a lifetime. It was our common goal. We had a ‘Why’ and because of this, we were able to work together. 

Find your ‘Why!’ 

Don’t compare yourself to others

As I write this blog, it’s February half term. Many of our friends are at 5-star hotels at the coast. We know that our ‘Why’ now, is to clear our debt and build up our emergency fund. We know that we can’t spend money (that we don’t have) on a vacation. Although it would be lovely to be at the coast, we just can’t afford it. We have come to appreciate that we can’t keep up with ‘The Joneses’ and that’s ok with us! 

Learn to be content with what you have! 

Shame

Bob had a lot of shame about money. I won’t go into the details but even this morning, he said, “I am not good with money.’ It’s because of this shame that he sometimes still avoids making decisions about money. He avoids looking at his credit card statements (Click HERE to find out why that’s not a good idea) and he doesn’t jump for joy when it’s time for our monthly budget date night! 

This is the reason that I go slowly, very slowly. The old me would have started an argument and got very cross about his lack of, what I perceived, as a bad attitude. Now, I realise that I must support him to come to a place of acceptance and remember not to criticise him.

Money Mantras

Over the weekend, and with Catherine Morgan’s help, I created two money mantras for the family. I was able to share these on a walk. (Top tip, I always find talking about money is best when walking or driving, then there’s no eye contact and your spouse feels less pressure.) 

Here’s our first money mantra: We are already experiencing Financial Freedom. Catherine said we should frame the mantra as if it’s already happening! 

Our second money mantra is this:

Thankfully, Bob was open to both of these Money Mantras and they now appear in several locations around the house! I find that it’s little things like these that enable us to have more positive, open conversations about money. 

Don’t judge

It’s easy to think that my money beliefs and values are right, and Bob’s were wrong but that’s not so. We were just raised in families that had different ways of communicating about money. The assumption was to believe that everyone was raised with the same money values as I was. I had to listen and learn about how Bob felt about money and help him to overcome his negative fears. 

Thank you Catherine! 

I can’t begin to thank Catherine enough for her work on Money Trauma. I know that she has helped thousands of women to become more confident with money and I am so grateful for the work that she does. She has opened my eyes so that I can see where Bob is coming from and given me the tools to show me how I can support him in his relationship with money. 

Summary

In summary, if your spouse is reluctant / overwhelmed when it comes to talking about money, then they could be suffering from Money Trauma. Please do pop over to Catherine’s website (click HERE) where you can find more ideas about how you can support your spouse through their money trauma and, hopefully, have more positive, meaningful conversations about money! Please note, that this isn’t an overnight fix, it could take months, even years, but be encouraged: if I can do it, you can too! 

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