Do you and your spouse struggle to have positive money conversations?

You scroll through Instagram and see another couple’s vacation photos. Your first thought? “How do they afford that?” Your second thought? “Why can’t we get our money act together like everyone else?” Meanwhile, you’re sitting there dreading the moment your spouse brings up the credit card bill again, knowing it’s going to end in hurt feelings, slammed doors, or that awful silent treatment that lasts for days.

Here’s what I know after 18 years of terrible money conversations with my husband Wayne: We weren’t broken. We were just missing the right tools. And if you’re wondering why money conversations seem so much easier for other couples… spoiler alert: they’re not. Most couples struggle with money conversations just like you do.

Most couples think they’re arguing about money, but they’re actually destroying their communication foundation. That “perfect” couple posting about their dream kitchen renovation? They probably had three fights about the budget before they even called the contractor. That friend who seems so financially organized? She’s likely stressed about money too, just better at hiding it.

God designed marriage to be a partnership where two become one—and that includes your finances. But when money conversations become battlegrounds instead of opportunities for unity, we’re not living out the biblical model for marriage.

Today I’m sharing the 5 warning signs that your money conversations are hurting your marriage—and what to do about it. Because once you recognize these patterns, you can finally break free from the cycle that’s been draining your relationship.

Sign #1: The Silent Treatment

You know this one. You bring up the budget, and your spouse’s face goes blank. They nod along, maybe grunt a few responses, but you can practically see them checking out mentally. Within minutes, they’re finding reasons to leave the room. “I need to check on the kids.” “I forgot to take out the trash.” Anything to escape.

Then comes the aftermath—days of coldness, one-word answers, that invisible wall between you that feels impossible to break down. You both tiptoe around each other, avoiding any mention of money, bills, or that conversation you “need to have.”

I watched this happen with Wayne and me countless times. I’d try to discuss our monthly expenses, and he’d just… disappear. Not physically, but emotionally. His eyes would glaze over, and I’d end up talking to a wall. The conversation would die, and we’d both pretend it never happened.

Here’s why this is sabotaging your marriage: When one person consistently shuts down during money talks, resentment builds on both sides. The person who goes quiet feels judged and overwhelmed. The person trying to communicate feels ignored and unimportant. Problems don’t get solved—they get buried. And every time you avoid the issue, the emotional distance between you grows wider.

The deeper issue isn’t about money at all. It’s usually about feeling unheard, judged, or overwhelmed. Your spouse might have grown up in a home where money discussions meant yelling. Perhaps they feel like they can never say the right thing. They could be terrified of disappointing you.

Quick fix: Instead of pushing when your spouse goes quiet, try: “I can see this is hard. Should we take a break and come back to this tomorrow?” Give them space to process without judgment.

Read more: How to talk about money: Tips for couples

Sign #2: The Money Police Dynamic

Does this sound familiar? One person monitors every single expense while the other feels like they need “permission” to buy coffee. One spouse lectures about every purchase—”Did you really need that?” “We talked about this.” “I thought we agreed on a budget.”

You start hiding purchases, not because you’re being irresponsible, but because you’re tired of feeling like a child asking for allowance. Or maybe you’re the one doing the monitoring, constantly stressed about every dollar going out, feeling like you’re the only one who cares about your financial future.

I lived this dynamic for years. I became the “money police” because I was terrified we’d end up in debt. Every time Wayne bought something, I’d question it. I thought I was being responsible, but really, I was creating a parent-child dynamic instead of a partnership.

This pattern sabotages your marriage because it kills financial intimacy. When one person holds all the financial power, it breeds secrecy and resentment. The “monitored” spouse starts feeling like they can’t be trusted with money, while the “monitor” feels like they’re carrying all the financial stress alone.

The deeper issue? This dynamic usually stems from different comfort levels with financial risk, past financial trauma, or simply different money backgrounds. And it gets worse when you’re constantly comparing yourselves to other couples who seem to have their spending “figured out”—but you’re comparing your reality to their social media highlight reel.

Quick fix: Try switching to: “Let’s decide together what spending amounts we’re both comfortable with.” Create agreed-upon boundaries instead of one person being the enforcer.

Sign #3: The Purchase Hide-and-Seek

You know you’re in trouble when you’re hiding shopping bags, deleting transaction notifications, or saying “I’ve had this for ages” when wearing something new. Maybe you’re stashing purchases in the car until your spouse isn’t around, or you’ve mastered the art of sneaking bags into the house.

This hide-and-seek game erodes trust in your marriage. Even small, innocent purchases become sources of shame when you’re constantly hiding them. It makes financial planning impossible because you’re not working with complete information. And the anxiety of being “caught” or “found out” adds stress to what should be normal spending decisions.

The deeper issue is fear of judgment and lack of agreed-upon boundaries. When you don’t have clear guidelines about spending, everything becomes a potential source of conflict. Different spending values mean what feels reasonable to you might feel excessive to your spouse.

The shame gets worse when you’re constantly comparing your financial reality to what you see others posting online. That friend who seems to buy whatever she wants? She’s probably having her own money stress behind closed doors.

Quick fix: Create a “no-questions-asked” spending amount for each person—even if it’s just $25 per month. Having some financial autonomy, no matter how small, can eliminate the need to hide purchases.

Sign #4: The Blame Game

“If you didn’t spend so much on coffee, we’d have money for vacation.” “It’s your fault we’re in debt because of your shopping.” “Remember when you bought that expensive gadget we never use?” Sound familiar?

When money conversations turn into blame sessions, nothing productive happens. You’re both so focused on defending yourselves and attacking each other that you never actually solve the problem. Past financial mistakes get dragged up repeatedly, creating shame and guilt that makes future conversations even harder.

I remember one conversation where Wayne and I spent thirty minutes arguing about a purchase he’d made two years earlier. We weren’t solving our current budget issue, we were just reopening old wounds and making each other feel terrible.

This blame game sabotages your marriage because it puts your spouse on the defensive immediately. When someone feels attacked, they can’t hear your actual concerns. You end up focusing on problems and past failures instead of solutions and future goals. The shame and guilt create a negative cycle where both people become afraid to discuss money at all.

The deeper issue often stems from different money backgrounds, unprocessed financial stress, or lack of shared goals. When you’re both feeling stressed about money, it’s easy to make your spouse the target instead of working together as a team.

Quick fix: Replace “you” statements with “we” statements. Instead of “You spent too much,” try “How can we handle this together?” Make it about solving the problem as a team, not about who’s to blame.

Sign #5: The Avoidance Dance

“We’ll figure it out later.” “Let’s not worry about it right now.” “We’ll talk about it when things calm down.” You and your spouse have become masters at the avoidance dance, any time money comes up, you both find creative ways to change the subject or postpone the conversation.

You only talk about money during crises, when the credit card bill is due, when you’re planning a big purchase, or when you’re fighting about something completely unrelated and money becomes the weapon of choice. The rest of the time, you live parallel financial lives, each handling your own expenses and hoping for the best.

Wayne and I perfected this dance for 18 years. We’d make vague plans to “get organized” or “figure out our budget,” but somehow never found the time. We were both secretly terrified of those conversations, so we kept putting them off until small problems became major crises.

This avoidance sabotages your marriage because problems compound over time. I know that small issues become big ones when they’re ignored. You miss opportunities to dream together, plan together, and build shared financial goals. Most importantly, you create a financial intimacy gap that affects your emotional connection.

The deeper issue is usually fear of conflict, not knowing how to start productive conversations, or feeling overwhelmed by the complexity of your financial situation. It’s easy to avoid money talks when you assume every other couple just naturally has it together.

Quick fix: Schedule a monthly “money date”, 15 minutes, coffee, no blame, just check-in. Start small and build the habit of regular financial communication.

The Real Problem (And Why You’re Not Broken)

Here’s what I learned after 18 years of terrible money conversations with Wayne: We weren’t broken. We just didn’t have the right tools. And neither do most of those couples whose finances look perfect from the outside.

Most couples try to wing it with money conversations. But you wouldn’t wing brain surgery, right? Communication is a skill that needs to be learned, especially when it comes to something as emotionally charged as money.

Stop comparing your behind-the-scenes mess to everyone else’s highlight reel. That couple posting about their dream vacation? They probably had three fights about the budget before they booked it. That friend who seems so financially organized? She’s likely stressed about money too, just better at hiding it on social media.

The good news? Once you have the right framework, everything changes. Wayne and I went from money fights to money peace. My clients Sarah and Mike went from wedding expense arguments to financial teamwork in just weeks. It’s not about agreeing on everything or having a perfect budget like everyone else seems to. It’s about communicating with respect, understanding and love.

You’re not behind other couples, no matter what their social media looks like. You just need the right tools to build the financial intimacy your marriage deserves.

Stop the Cycle Today

If you recognized your marriage in these 5 signs, you’re not alone and you’re not doomed. You’re also not behind compared to other couples, no matter what their social media looks like.

The daily stress of dysfunctional money conversations is stealing joy from your marriage. Every avoided conversation, every blame session, every silent treatment is creating distance between you and your spouse. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

As Christian wives, we’re called to be helpmates and partners in all areas of life, including our finances. When money conversations become sources of conflict instead of opportunities for unity, we’re missing out on the abundant life God has planned for our marriages.

If you’re struggling to talk to your spouse about money, I have something for you! I created a comprehensive eBook called ‘How to Get on the Same Financial Page as Your Spouse’, it’s packed with the essential tips and strategies I wish I’d known when we first got married 18 years ago. This practical guide reveals proven methods for navigating money discussions as a team, turning potential financial stress into opportunities for deeper connection and shared goals.

Download your free copy here and start building the financial partnership you’ve always wanted.

Stop comparing your behind-the-scenes to everyone else’s highlight reel. Start building the communication foundation that actually works for YOUR marriage. Because when you have the right tools, money conversations become opportunities for connection instead of sources of conflict.

Take Control of Your Money

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Let’s talk!  Whether you’re looking to eliminate debt, build savings, or plan for a better financial future, I will provide you with actionable insights and practical advice to set you on the path to success. Don’t miss this opportunity to take the first step towards financial freedom – click HERE to schedule your free, 15 minute free call today!